It was a beautiful October day. The whole week had been very busy. Monday we had a doctor appointment to check on Berkley and everything was great. After work Wednesday I had a board meeting for the Rescue I volunteer with. I was having contractions during the whole meeting. Everyone was teasing me that they didn’t want my water to break at the meeting. Thursday morning I woke up in a horrible mood and didn’t feel good. Berkley was moving positions a lot but the contractions were gone.
Later that night when I was getting ready for bed I started to get nervous because I couldn’t remember the last time she had kicked. She was still moving positions but just not kicking. I know the doctor had reassured me that she was running out of room and she wouldn’t be moving like she was weeks before. Since she was moving positions I was hoping she was ok.
I called labor and delivery to tell them I was nervous. She sounded like she had heard this many times before. She said, “Just drink some water and wait an hour. Then call back if you need to.” In that hour I slammed water, chocolate milk, ginger ale and ice water. As we laid in bed terrified. Tony was spooning me, holding my tummy hoping for her to kick. We both could feel her move but no kicking. We called her back and she said to come in.
As we left the house it was now dark, cold and raining. My body began to shake uncontrollably. I was so scared something was wrong but, I also was telling myself that I am just a scared first time mom. Hoping everything was fine.
We arrived at the hospital and had to go through the emergency room to go up to labor and delivery. My nerves took over and I got sick on the way up. The nurses up there reassured us that they could feel her moving. They even asked me if I could because, they were so sure of it. They had a hard time finding her heartbeat but said they kept getting it every once in a while. They told us they thought that she was in a strange position and maybe had too much fluid in there with her.
We came back up from having an ultrasound. The tech wouldn’t tell us anything. The nurse came walking in and asked, “What did they say?” I then got extremely nervous and could see the look on her face change when I told her the tech wouldn’t say anything. My doctor came walking in. I knew it was something bad because it was now 4am in morning and my doctor is here. I could see it on her face and then she said the words that will haunt me the rest of my life, “She is gone.”
I looked over at Tony and he was staring thousands of miles away. My body began to shake again and I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I couldn’t believe it was real, it was happening to us, and she was gone.