The Worst Day of our lives

image.jpegIt was a beautiful October day. The whole week had been very busy. Monday we had a doctor appointment to check on Berkley and everything was great. After work Wednesday I had a board meeting for the Rescue I volunteer with. I was having contractions during the whole meeting. Everyone was teasing me that they didn’t want my water to break at the meeting. Thursday morning I woke up in a horrible mood and didn’t feel good. Berkley was moving positions a lot but the contractions were gone.

Later that night when I was getting ready for bed I started to get nervous because I couldn’t remember the last time she had kicked. She was still moving positions but just not kicking. I know the doctor had reassured me that she was running out of room and she wouldn’t be moving like she was weeks before. Since she was moving positions I was hoping she was ok.

I called labor and delivery to tell them I was nervous. She sounded like she had heard this many times before. She said, “Just drink some water and wait an hour. Then call back if you need to.” In that hour I slammed water, chocolate milk, ginger ale and ice water. As we laid in bed terrified. Tony was spooning me, holding my tummy hoping for her to kick. We both could feel her move but no kicking. We called her back and she said to come in.

As we left the house it was now dark, cold and raining. My body began to shake uncontrollably. I was so scared something was wrong but, I also was telling myself that I am just a scared first time mom. Hoping everything was fine.

We arrived at the hospital and had to go through the emergency room to go up to labor and delivery. My nerves took over and I got sick on the way up. The nurses up there reassured us that they could feel her moving. They even asked me if I could because, they were so sure of it. They had a hard time finding her heartbeat but said they kept getting it every once in a while. They told us they thought that she was in a strange position and maybe had too much fluid in there with her.

We came back up from having an ultrasound. The tech wouldn’t tell us anything. The nurse came walking in and asked, “What did they say?” I then got extremely nervous and could see the look on her face change when I told her the tech wouldn’t say anything. My doctor came walking in. I knew it was something bad because it was now 4am in morning and my doctor is here. I could see it on her face and then she said the words that will haunt me the rest of my life, “She is gone.”

I looked over at Tony and he was staring thousands of miles away. My body began to shake again and I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I couldn’t believe it was real, it was happening to us, and she was gone.







9 thoughts on “The Worst Day of our lives

  1. Thank you so much for sharing yours and Tony’s (and family’s) most awful day. I cannot begin to imagine how you felt then and how you still feel now. Know that people are always there to hold you up.


  2. I thought so many times of wanting to call you or writing something and feel that I couldn’t or not knowing the right words, You are both so amazing to share this with us and that even makes me more proud to have you as part of the family. To loose Berkley before you even had the chance to hold her as she gave her first cry or smell that beautiful baby breath is something none of us would even think be possible to endure. You have, and I pray that by sharing it will get you a bit closer to thinking about having a sibling for Berkley someone you can share these memories together with as a family. Much love


  3. I’m so incredibly sorry you two! You two are such amazing people and deserve nothing but the best! It’s so hard to believe that things like this happen to such amazing people! Hope you two know I’m always here for you!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I hope you don’t mind me reading your posts your profile randomly popped up on my ” people you may know” list – even though there is no way we woke know each other.
    All your words resonate with me so much I too lost my daughter ( Josephine) in October and my world was turned upside down.
    Every word you write so so true. I’m so sorry for your loss mamma xx

    Liked by 1 person

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