Living with the plague

Suffering such a heartbreaking tragedy is very isolating. You know that people feel sorry for you and are thinking about you. Life and relationships have changed. Trying to exist in a small community is hard enough. After something so shocking happens to you, it gets even harder.

Some of our closest friends and family do not know what to say. So they stay away. Everyone is afraid to offend us or they don’t know how to interact with us.

Going out in public is very hard too. I was in the grocery store the other day. A girl I  went to high school with came around the corner into the aisle I was in. I could see the look of shock on her face. She was visibly startled to see me and looked like she saw a ghost. I took off as fast as I could because, I could tell she was uncomfortable. Again, people don’t know what to say.

Then on the other side there are people that are not afraid to ask questions. I went into a local bar that is about three miles away from our house to pick up pizza. The bartender asked, “Did you ever find out why it happened?” I stopped in there again on Tony’s birthday and she asked me, “Are you going to try again?” I barely know this person and she is just so blunt and curious. To be honest, I would rather have someone ask me a question. Instead of treating me like I have the plague.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand trying to talk to us might be hard. Even knowing about what happened to us is hard. Especially if you are pregnant. I remember when women would post in the birth groups when they had a loss. I would be so upset and wondered why are they sharing that. Don’t they know that they are scaring me? Now I understand. They are just trying to heal.

One of the hardest things about losing a child is that you are trying to exist in a world full of pregnancy, newborns, babies, and families. They are harsh realities of my life right now. I was pregnant with several of my close friends. I still have a few people close to me that are currently pregnant. I miss our relationships so much. Right now I am just not strong enough to be around them. I don’t mind talking to them but, I just can’t see them right now. I am still very happy for them.

Please just be patient with us. We are still in here, somewhere. If you wouldn’t say anything thing to me before this happened. You don’t need to and please don’t feel like you need to. Just remember we don’t have the plague and we won’t take you down with us.

4 thoughts on “Living with the plague

  1. So glad I could be there and had the opportunity to hold her and meet her. She sure was precious! These blog posts are so therapeutic, I’m very glad your doing them and sharing your story. I love you guys!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing your story Sammie. I miss you and can’t wait to see your beautiful face again, hopefully soon!

    “We’re stronger in the places that we’ve been broken.”
    ― Ernest Hemingway

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I just read all of your entries. I am so very sorry for the loss of Berkley. There are just no words. I will tell you that, even after a year and a half, it’s still hard for me to be around my pregnant family and friends. I also feel like people still avoid me like the plague too. We belong to, quite possibly, the suckiest club in the world. Sending hugs to you.


    1. I read all of your posts also. Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry you are apart of this club too. I felt the same guilt not knowing that something happened to my daughter immediately. I also remember making small talk with the nurses. That made me feel guilty too, not realizing what had happened yet.


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