Confusion and Time

There is so much confusion I still feel after losing you. With the passing of time the pain the intensity of losing you has subsided to a manageable level. Most days can feel almost normal. Happiness has returned and life has gone on.

With the passing of time the confusion with emotions has changed also. I find my ache for you changing and frustration coming out at strange times. It’s frustrating that there are so many secondary losses that came along with losing you. Still having to deal with emotional triggers 2 and 1/2 years later. I get frustrated with myself and wonder how long I will struggle with this. Will I be like this my whole life? Is it just me? Is this normal?

My therapist says it’s normal but, It still feels so wrong. My anxiety about something happening to Willow is so intense at times. I lay at wake at night thinking about how Willow is going to die and how can I prevent it. It makes me sick. What I would do to just have the “normal” mother worry. Instead of the self induced turmoil I create.

With the passing of time and the addition of Willow I feel as if I lost my right to miss you. I feel like people are uncomfortable talking about painful things that they don’t understand themselves. Everyone has an idea of what they think it could feel like to lose a child but, they do not know until they have. I hate that I am always on the defense to keep your memory alive or be able to express that I still ache for you. Your sister didn’t take your place in our family and still feels wrong that you are not being raised along side her.

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