The beginning of the pregnancy was a blur of emotions. We were so happy and scared at the same time. I was so scared to have a miscarriage early on in the pregnancy. I knew so many women had experienced them and my heart broke for them. Every night I would repeat a saying in my head, “Happy, Healthy baby” over and over until I fell asleep.I found this calculator that would show you the risk of a miscarriage calculated based on my due date. I found comfort in a statistic of how low the odds were after I got out of that 12 week window. But I am that 1 in 160 pregnancies that end in stillbirth.
Once the morning sickness was gone it was getting close to the time to find out the gender. We went down to a place in the cities when she was 16 weeks along to find out what gender our child was. We were sitting in the waiting room. There was a wild little boy screaming and jumping off everything. Tony said that in that moment he started hoping for a girl. I thought early in my pregnancy it was a boy. Then about two weeks before we went to find out I felt like it was a girl.
As we entered the room to see our child for the first time we were so nervous. I didn’t have a bump yet but, there she was swimming all over the screen. The minute we saw her we were in love. She was moving her arms and legs so fast. We sat there so quietly waiting for him to tell us what the gender was. Finally he said, “It’s a girl.”
We couldn’t agree on a name for a few weeks. I thought of the name Berkley when I was watching parenthood a few years back and added it to a list I had of “future baby names.” It’s also is a brand of fishing stuff. I always thought our children would have traditional names but we just loved the name Berkley. We finally agreed we would name her Berkley Lorraine Bistodeau. She is also named after her Great Grandmother Lorraine Harris. She is my grandma and one of my favorite people in this world. She is 80 years old, has bright blonde hair, loves to shop, always there to talk when I need her, feisty, and funny as hell!
The nine months Berkley spent with us was the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. I never knew that I could love someone so much and I hadn’t even met her yet. I was always talking to her, rubbing her back/butt and dreaming about our future together. For the months leading up to her due date we spent them preparing to become parents. Finding everything she needed, going to hospital appointments, baby showers, installing the car seat and setting the crib up for her arrival. Those are the months that I will cherish for the rest of my life. They were full of excitement and love.