This week has been one of the hardest weeks we have had in a long time. This week was our second daughter Willow’s 20 week anatomy scan. We drove down to the perinatologist office (high risk OB) to have the level two ultrasound done Monday morning at 7:45am. We watched patiently as they did the ultrasound and was hoping for the best. At the end of the appointment the doctor came in to discuss the ultrasound. She started out by telling everything looks great; All the organs looked good, good connections and so on. Then she says there are two soft markers for down syndrome that we see. Willow has a shorter nasal bone and her femurs are shorter too.
Our heart sinks and our minds start to race. The doctor doesn’t seem too concerned about it but, we are terrified. We ask to talk the genetic counselor to take a blood test to find out if our daughter has any chromosomal abnormalities. She explains that she does have markers and they can’t say one way or another if she has a chromosomal abnormality. She says that they are seen in down syndrome but can be seen in chromosomally normal babies also.
We get the box for testing and go down the road to another hospital for my blood to be drawn. They say I should find out the results in 7-10 days. We drive home silent and scared. We had a whole day together planned and now we just want to get home to lay down before my regular doctor appointment in the afternoon. We met with our doctor that afternoon and she was hopeful that everything was ok but concerned by the news we received earlier that day.
After we got home I began to unravel. I am doing the last thing I should be doing…. Searching google. I was terrified but what I was reading. I got so anxious I began throwing up Monday night and couldn’t get food down for two days. I stayed in bed until Thursday. Paralyzed by anxiety that was consuming me. I was trying to read every medical article, blogs and other people’s experience trying to find answers. Even though I knew that it didn’t matter what someone else’s experience is until we find out the answers to ours. We both didn’t sleep all week and were walking zombies.
Just trying to wrap our heads around what was going on and thinking about some of the worst outcomes. Thinking about the struggles our daughter would have and what our future was going to be. Was this it? Is this our family? A child that had died, a special needs child, a diagnosis that would put us into an increased risk category for other children, and our we really done having children?
I felt so horrible to be so afraid of the unknown. I felt scared and I couldn’t understand how this could happen to us after losing our first child. I mean how could I feel sad about a special needs child when I know how lucky we are just to have the gift of having a child. Still the anxiety consumed us and the fear raced through our minds.
Finally today at 2pm the genetic consular called to let me know that Willow is Okay and she doesn’t have any chromosomal abnormalities. The phone call was such a relief and I started to cry as we were talking on the phone. I was so happy to get the phone call before the walk for Berkley tomorrow so that we can be there mentally and not to have this weight on our shoulders. We are so grateful that we have one less thing to worry about and that our daughter is just fine.